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Wind-Powered Boat/Transcript
The complete transcript for Wind-Powered Boat Intro {"The Red Green Show" intro starts playing as the characters are introduced. After we introduce the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, and then, we cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshot holes appear in the screen, then one last gunshot hole shatters the screen outward.} {The camera pans through a cluttered hallway inside the Lodge, on its way to the main lobby. During this time, Harold is heard introducing the show.} HAROLD GREEN: We are rolling and recording! Hit the lights and turn on your VCRs and sit back. It's the show that critics couldn't be done, wouldn't be done and– and– and shouldn't be done... {low voice} If they've heard us, I just want you to know that we've said things like that... {normal voice} But we're here to prove them critics wrong. And that's a (?) to do, granted. And here's the proof himself, the man of the half hour, my uncle and star of "The Red Green Show", Red Green! {By now, the camera has reached the lobby. Red enters through the front door, waving to the audience, who applauds. Harold gives a thumbs-up to him.} RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold. Thank you very much, and thanks for tuning in. {to audience} Harold's right, I'm the proof... and he's the pudding. We got a heck of a show for you today. We got a list of guests as long as your arm and twice as much fun. You probably have met Harold, and you've made some kind of a judgment on him, and my guess is that you're right. Anyway, we've had a heck of a time at the Lodge yesterday. Stinky Peterson decided that we're usin' way too much gasoline, which is expensive in a boat, and that we should switch to an alternate kind of fuel and put a washroom in the rig all at the same time. Uh, but Buster Hadfield wanted to go with the solar-powered– HAROLD GREEN: Excuse me, Uncle Red. Uncle Red, is this gonna be another one of your strange stories about what you and your buddies did? It always end up in personal injury and private property or wildlife damage. RED GREEN: Well, this is a vignette of what happens at the Lodge, Harold, that's all. HAROLD GREEN: Uh, well, yeah, okay, okay, yes, we can go that route, or– or we can just go, like, right on into the next segment, right? Because that would be good and then we can just do that– it'd be an electronic transition... {plays his switcher; the camera rolls the scene up and twists it around, against a background of a sunset} Like that! {laughs} That's what the viewers want, that's what they, y'know, prefer. RED GREEN: That's what makes me carsick, Harold. I want to just tell them my story. HAROLD GREEN: Okay, I'm just... just saying it's TV, you know, and people like TV; it's based on moving. You know, moving images, moving pictures... RED GREEN: Moving bowels. HAROLD GREEN: "Message is in the medium", that's what Marshall Dylan said. Now, is there any reason we can't go into the next segment? RED GREEN: I want to tell them my story about the boat. HAROLD GREEN: That's a good reason. {plays his switcher to trigger the next segment} Red's Campfire Song {Red plays guitar while Harold clinks two spoons together.} RED GREEN: :Strongman Jack was a hell of a man. :If anyone can lift something, Strongman can. :I remember one day, just for a prank, :Jack tried to lift the holding tank. :He strained and he pulled with all his might. :Then there was a loud pop and his spleen coming out one of his body orifices and it damn near killed the guy. Handyman Corner {The "Handyman Corner" title appears. Red is standing in front of a red car with the Possum Van behind it, holding a screwdriver in one hand.} RED GREEN: This week on, uh, Handyman Corner, we're gonna show ya how to change a headlight. Uh, now, I know, I know what you're saying, that everyone knows how to do it. Well, they don't, 'cause a lot of people don't know how to change a headlight. It's something you can do yourself, and not only do you save money, but it gives you a feeling of self-reliance, 'cause, y'know, you can't trust anyone. {turns to the car} Now, this here is Bill Smith's car, and he told me he's got a headlight burned out, and so I thought I'd just, you know, kinda do him a favor and change the headlight. I might charge him five bucks, y'know? {Red tries to stick the screwdriver in behind the left headlight socket, but it doesn't go in very far.} RED GREEN: Ah, so... Now, I'm not... The screwdriver's not big enough. {puts the screwdriver down and picks up a long, flat tool} Uh, screwdrivers on these– Uh, I should say, the screws on these are way back in there. {tries to push the tool back behind the headlight} But you know, who the heck designs these things? Probably mechanics. {pulls the tool back out} I can't see if the screw is a flathead, or a Robertson or, uh... I can't see what kind it is. So, uh... {Red puts the tool down and picks up a crowbar.} RED GREEN: Okay, we'll just try another method here. {places the crowbar on one edge of the headlight} I think this'll just– I think this'll just pop right off here. {tries to pry the headlight out, to no avail} It's dug in there! {places the bar on the other side} Maybe the other side. {pries on the headlight, shattering it in the process} Ah. All right, all right, um... {puts down the crowbar and picks up a bent coat hanger} What we're gonna do now is, uh... Some wiring, I guess, is catching in there. We'll just use the, uh... This is a special tool that I keep in my closet. {Red sticks the wire into the socket behind the headlight, then starts pulling it back out.} RED GREEN: This is some metal or something back here. {pulls out a length of wire} Oh, let's see here... {picks up a pair of wire clippers} All right, you know, I think the wiring is the thing that's messin' this up, so we'll just clip that outta there. {clips the wires} Y'know, these new cars, they got so much wiring on there, y'know, it's just that, the more things go wrong. You know, it was just occurring to me, I think, this is one of these modern cars. This is the type where the hood– the headlight comes out from behind, like from the back. And so what you need to do is you need to open the hood. {Red opens the door of the car and gets in, then turns the car's accessories on.} RED GREEN: Uh, try this... {Red pulls a lever, and the car rolls backwards off its stands and smashes into the Possum Van.} RED GREEN: Uh, that's not it. {Red pulls another lever, and the hood unlocks.} RED GREEN: All right. {Red gets out the car, closing the door behind him as he goes. He returns to the headlight.} RED GREEN: Okay, now, I think things will go a little better now. {tries to open the hood, but it won't budge} Oh, for God sake! {picks up the crowbar and attempts to pry the hood open} Oh, safety! {reaches under the front of the hood and unlatches it, then lifts it up} Yeah, yeah, yeah! Okay. {props the hood up with its rod and sniffs at the engine compartment} All right, yeah, I can– I can get her out from the inside here, but I'm gonna– I'm gonna have to take a few things out {the message "Stay Tuned" appears on the screen momentarily} to get at her there. {picks up a tool and reaches into the hood} Commercial bumper {Red and Harold stand in the Lodge, looking directly into the camera.} RED GREEN: We'll be right back with a lot more fun and, uh, the rest of the story about my wind-powered boat. HAROLD GREEN: Oh, great, so now you got like a choice, the fun or the story. Endless Summer {Red sits on a bench on a hot summer day. He reads from a book.} RED GREEN: It is summer. You run down the beach and embrace the surf. The ocean responds with a huge wave that removes your trunks. It's your first brush with summer love. And crayfish. Plot Segment 2 {Red enters the Lodge.} RED GREEN: Well, as I was saying before I was electronically assaulted, we wanted to build a solar-powered boat. So we got a few of them solar panels, and we went around the Lodge here and collected up all the old car batteries. Came to about 95. And we hooked them up to one of them little electric, uh, trolling motors. And then we went out, the bunch of us, for some night fishing, but it didn't really work out all that well. Suddenly, we realized that I guess the solar thing has something to do with the sun. So as we were paddling back, we thought, maybe we should switch over to a tidal-powered boat. But then, the lake is really not all that big, and besides, none of us has really any idea what tidal power is. So we decided to go with wind power. Seemed like a heck of a good idea, and the first step would be to get ourselves a windmill. HAROLD GREEN: A windmill? I mean, you just want, like, a wind-powered boat, you get a windmill? {laughs} Why don't you just get, like, a sail? Y'know, like a sail? {laughs} RED GREEN: Well, we have to have a windmill, because the boat has to have the motor, for a man, okay, Harold? I mean, sailing is for wimps. You know, a bunch of guys in those little white shorts and sneakers, y'know? HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, Uncle Red, that's not a very nice thing to say to classify people like that. I'm sure there are some very nice people who have sailboats. RED GREEN: Name three, Harold. HAROLD GREEN: Uh, Sir Francis Drake, Magellan, and my hero, Ted Turner, the man who colorized America. Ted, this one's for you! {gives a thumbs-up and plays the switcher to segue into another scene of the show; laughs} RED GREEN: What about my boat story? HAROLD GREEN: We've sailed away from it! Visit With Hap Shaughnessy {Red and Hap are in Hap's boat, fishing. Hap is building a toy truck.} RED GREEN: I tell ya something, Hap, uh, fishing has gotta be the most relaxing thing there is. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, that's for sure. I used to do a lot of fishing when I worked on the ranch, just to unwind, you know? RED GREEN: What ranch was that? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, Circle K, Bar Double R. Inverted (?). RED GREEN: Around here, huh? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no. Nah, that was Kenya. That was years ago. I can't remember the owner's name now. Big fella, Australian... No, Austrian or Afghani or something. RED GREEN: What kinda cattle did you have down there? Do you remember? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No cattle. Cows are considered holy animals over in Kenya. RED GREEN: No, no, no, I think that's India, Hap. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, Kenya was the same way. There's a big Indian population over there. Anyway, we'd raise tigers. That was tough work. RED GREEN: You're telling me that you looked after a herd of tigers? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, it wasn't a big herd. Two or three, hundred head. But it was a handful. Roping and branding, that was violent work. Rodeos were nothing but a bloodbath. RED GREEN: Well, Hap, that sounded like a terrible way to make a living. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, I had the worst of it. I had to train tigers for the circus. I had to teach 'em to take a man's head in their mouth without biting it off, you know? I covered my face with horseradish. Worked like a charm. My eyes were bloodshot for two years. RED GREEN: Hap, uh... {clears throat} where exactly was this ranch in Kenya? HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, it's all... It's all closed down now. You know, same old story: ranchers against the farmers. That's a nylon farm now. RED GREEN: Oh, no, no, no, nylon doesn't come from a farm, it's from oil. HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {pauses} Well, you could be right. Maybe I'm thinking Dacron or Orlon or something. RED GREEN: Well, if you're thinking of something, that's for sure. Handyman Corner 2 {Red is on the car's engine. He pulls out the car battery.} RED GREEN: All right, get that out of the way. {He drops the battery on the ground and then climbs down off the car. He then reaches into the engine and pulls out the windshield washer.} RED GREEN: Windshield washer. {He takes a sledgehammer and uses it to repeatedly pound the engine. He then pulls out the radiator.} RED GREEN: Okay, as long as we remember what order the stuff comes out, we'll be fine. {looks inside the engine} Nope, still can't get her. Hmm. {Red clears his throat and walks offscreen momentarily. He returns holding a buzzsaw.} RED GREEN: Now, you know the saying we got at the Lodge: "If at first you don't succeed, switch to power tools." {He activates the saw and it cuts through around the headlight socket. Wipe to a later scene. Red finishes cutting and picks up the crowbar.} RED GREEN: I'll tell ya something, I'll charge Bill ten bucks. {pries the headlight socket area with it and it moves} She's comin'! She's comin'! She's comin'! She's comin'! Yep, she's comin'! She's comin'! Oh, yeah. Almost got her there! Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's comin', she's comin'. All right. No problem. {Red finally repeatedly pounds the headlight socket area with the crowbar until it's finally sunk into the car bumper, totally smashed and exposing the plug.} RED GREEN: All right, what we've done here is, we've freed up the plug. So I'll just get the replacement bulb... {takes out a replacement bulb and attaches it} ...pop that in... {attaches the bulb firmly in place} We're all set. Okay, let's give that a try and see how it looks. {Red turns on the headlights. The replacement bulb lights up, but the other one doesn't. Red gets out and looks at the new bulb.} RED GREEN: Perfect. {now looks at the other bulb, which was the real one burned out} Oh... Oh, I guess– I guess this was the burned-out headlight. Well, it won't take as long now, 'cause we know how to do it. I'll charge Bill, I think, two or 300 bucks for this. Anyway, until next time, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {Red takes the crowbar and starts pounding on the other headlight socket area.} Male Call {Harold is sitting in another room in the Lodge. Red enters.} HAROLD GREEN: Aw, gee, Uncle Red, great! Just in the nick of time. 'Cause, oh, you know what? Speakin' of nicks, I got this letter from a viewer here, and he wants to know about your new nickname. I didn't know you had a new nickname. Nobody tells me anything around here. I didn't know you had a new nickname. You got a new nickname? What's your new nickname? RED GREEN: I told you all about it, Harold. I've had it for months now. It's on the other side of the truck. HAROLD GREEN: Bird droppings? Hey, that is a good nickname! RED GREEN: Harold, I got the truck painted like a possum. We have possums on all our stationery. You happened to notice that? {points to crest on his shirt} I even got a possum right here on our show crest. So what do you suppose my new nickname is? HAROLD GREEN: Stupid? RED GREEN: Possum, Harold! HAROLD GREEN: "Stupid"'s better. I mean, if you want a nickname that people are gonna use. What's so great about a possum, anyway? RED GREEN: {sharply} I like possums, Harold! {calmer} They move slow, and when they're provoked or disturbed or annoyed or anything, you know what they do? HAROLD GREEN: Sting? No, they bite? No, no, no, they claw, right? They claw! No, no! They spit! They spit poison, like a cobra or something, right? You spit a lot, Uncle Red! That'd be a great nickname for you. Spittin' Possum Green! That'd be great– RED GREEN: {interrupting} They don't spit, Harold! HAROLD GREEN: No, but... RED GREEN: Possums are way too smart for that. No, when they're cornered, when they're threatened, when their life's on the line... they just lie perfectly still. They pretend they're dead. The other animal thinks they're dead and leaves 'em alone, 'cause an animal will not, uh, touch a dead animal. I think it's the smell or something. HAROLD GREEN: Geez, Uncle Red. Possum sounds a bit like a coward! When he's paralyzed with terror and fear in the event of an attack, incapable of making a decision when he needs it most? {Red stares ahead, bored} Boy, if you ask me– Like, okay, I'm not a zoologist or anything. Granted, I failed science twice, good point. But again, if you ask me, I think it's a pretty wussy animal. That's a dumb nickname, "Possum"! {laughs} Boy, he freezes up in the event of an emergency, when he needs a decision most, he can't do it! {laughs} That's a pretty stupid choice. Well, let's go to our next segment. {nothing happens; to Red} Pretty stupid choice, the whole possum thing. {Red doesn't answer; he keeps sitting still} Uncle Red, what do you think of the whole possum thing, the nickname? {Red keeps staring and sitting still} Uncle Red? Woo-hoo! {Red still doesn't answer} You okay? {looks around} Is he dead or something? {Uncertain, Harold gets up and walks out of the room slowly. Once Harold leaves, Red gets up and walks out of the room through the back.} Adventures With Bill Endless Summer 2 {Red sits on a bench on a hot summer day. He reads from a book.} RED GREEN: It is summer. You've eaten so many salads, you're turning into a rabbit. It was your wife's idea. Red and Harold On Life {Harold kneels down next to a small metal stake sticking out of a sandbox. A horseshoe is thrown at the stake. Harold wiggles his fingers nervously and picks up the horseshoe, getting to his feet. Red walks up.} RED GREEN: How are things going in school these days, Harold? HAROLD GREEN: Oh, not too bad. {they both pick up horseshoes from the sandbox} I'm having a little bit of trouble with my driver education course. {Red tosses one of his horseshoes off-screen. After a beat, a cow is heard mooing.} RED GREEN: Well, when I was in school, y'know, we didn't have driver education. HAROLD GREEN: Well, {scoffs} I would've assumed that! I just think, though, if you have to take one of these pro driving courses to get a reduced insurance rate of less than $4,000 a year, you shouldn't be forced to have three other students in the car with ya. {Harold tosses one of his horseshoes off-screen. After a beat, the sound of water splashing is heard. Harold sways his head in annoyance.} RED GREEN: Can't take the pressure from the other passenger, that's all. HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. But still, I mean, the biggest problem is I can't hear the instructor over all the screaming. Teenagers can really scream when they're terrified. And I don't know what they're screaming about. No– I'm not gonna kill anybody unless they start getting things a lot harder than they have been so far. {Harold tosses one of his horseshoes off-screen. After a beat, the sound of a window shattering is heard. Harold shakes his head with disappointment.} RED GREEN: Does the school supply the car for the driver's lessons? HAROLD GREEN: Not anymore. RED GREEN: So you're using your dad's car now? HAROLD GREEN: Not anymore. {looks at his uncle} RED GREEN: Forget it. HAROLD GREEN: Please? RED GREEN: No. HAROLD GREEN: Please? Come on! RED GREEN: No! HAROLD GREEN: Please? RED GREEN: No! {walks off} Commercial bumper {Red and Harold stand in the Lodge, looking directly into the camera.} RED GREEN: We'll be right back with, uh, lots more. HAROLD GREEN: And the more the merrier. They say that sometimes about things when there's more of it. Endless Summer 3 {Red sits on a bench on a hot summer day. He reads from a book.} RED GREEN: It is summer. In the shade of an apple tree, you relax with a mint julep or nine. Summer is no time for stress. You casually forget your aunt's birthday. She thanks you. Plot Segment 3 {Red enters the Lodge.} RED GREEN: So, uh, I wanted to tell you how the wind-powered boat, uh, turned out. Uh, we managed to find an old windmill at a miniature golf course that was going out of business, and, uh, had a nice big blade on her there and a smooth axle, and once we dumped the 400 golf balls out of her, she wasn't that hard to carry. So we bolted it right onto the boat, and then we patched all the screw holes and the mistakes, and then we ran a chain from the windmill, down to the generator ripped out of my Studebaker. And then we had the generator hooked up to an electroplate that went right into a big tank of distilled water. And, uh, so that would get hydrogen there, and then we had a second windmill, uh, to blow the hydrogen into the outboard motor. Uh, but when we got all that stuff in there, there was really just room for about one person, but, hey, it was a prototype, you know? And none of the guys had much faith in the mechanism work, but it surprised everyone by sinking. Anyway, I guess the wind-powered boat just stays as a dream for a while, but, hey, it killed off a day, so it wasn't all bad. So, if my wife is watching this show tonight, I'll be coming straight home. Uh, if you want me to wake you, just tie a ribbon around the bedroom doorknob. So, 'til next time, on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at the Lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. {Harold walks up closer to Red as the camera pulls away from them.}